I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
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