Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Randomize
