i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize
