I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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