i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I just gargled with NyQuil
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
All I want is dick and wine.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
He did a backflip because drugs
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