I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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