You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
