i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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