If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
