Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
