Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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