Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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