I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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