the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
