um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize