can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
