My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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