Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
