dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
