In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
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