I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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