All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
