I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
