Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Who died my cat blue again?
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
