bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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