i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
