I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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