if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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