We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
