im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
