Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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