I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
