Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
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