is your mom at the bar?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Randomize
