His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
