It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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