piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
