Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
