Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
