I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
