There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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