I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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