I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
She bit a glass in half.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
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