She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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