I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
