I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
