I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
