I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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