I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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