You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.
You're ridiculous
Your hot
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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