I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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